Breaths of Life

I held my breath as I lay in the lake water...I learned to float.
I held my breath as I waited for the high school boy to call...we dated.
I held my breath as I waited to hear if I had passed my driving test...I did.
I held my breath as I waited for the pastor to pronounce us 'husband and wife'...he did, and we were, for fourteen years.
I held my breath as I waited to hear the extent of my 5 year old son's concussion...he would be ok.
I held my breath as we waited to hear whether our offer on our home purchase would be accepted...it was home for almost ten years.
I held my breath as I waited to hear the results of my six year old's EEG...seizures disappeared with short term medication.
I held my breath as I waited for my intoxicated husband to arrive home...he did, at 3am.
I held my breath as I waited through the night for the police to come and tell me he had hit someone on his drive home...they never did.
I held my breath as I waited for the judge to grant our divorce...he did.
I held my breath on a harried trip to visit my dying mother...she lived for three more years.
I held my breath as I cleaned maggots from a friend's retreat refrigerator, closed for two years...he thanked me.
I held my breath as the airy, delicate torte cooled for the evening dinner party...it was beautiful.
I held my breath as my car spun on black ice...it never touched another car or the bridge guard rails.
I held my breath for the mammogram....and for the next.
I held my breath for the biopsy results...and the doctor called...and it was good news.

sh 6/3/2012

Passing of Friends -

At the beginning of April a friend of mine died. She was buried on her 87th birthday. She had been having health problems and had only one lung, so her passing wasn't totally unexpected. That knowledge doesn't soften the hurt. I wrote to Vernelle often, almost every week, and called her every weekend. Today I was clearing out phone messages and came across her number. I called it, just because. The number you have called is not in service.....

VIEW FROM MY PORCH - "Look Beyond the Blue"

St. Paul Police Department, on Wednesday, March 7, graduated the 18th session of its Citizen Police Academy (CPA). I’m proud to say I am one of the new graduates. The academy, funded
by the Chief’s own budget, offers St. Paul residents, age 21 and older, an opportunity to receive a micro version of officer training. It’s interesting to learn of other participants’ experiences and expectations as the course evolves.The ultimate goal is that the participant will gain knowledge of an officer’s training; a better understanding of policies and procedures that govern the actions of St. Paul police officers; and for the department to gain a better perspective of issues important to residents and to open communication between the department and residents. Additionally, for residents who wish to serve on the SPP Citizen Internal Affairs Review Commission, CPA participation is a prerequisite. Many opportunities for volunteer involvement are available for youth and adults and do not require Citizen Police Academy training. A call to Don Luna at 651-266-5583 or e-mail at don.luna@ci.stpaul.mn.us will start the step to registering for a future CPA or for one of the many other opportunities.


A visit to the SPPD website will give a listing of class sessions (6:30-9:30 for 11 Wednesday evenings). Our instructors were officers and leaders in their fields. Classes included learning the why and how of carrying out actions; how policies are applied; how and when force is applied, defensive tactics; making the decision of when to shoot or not to shoot; patrol and criminal investigation procedures; dispelling the NCI crime lab myths and learning the realities; bike and horse patrol, ordinance disposal (includes bombs); community policing, SWAT, Internal Affairs, narcotics and gangs, and so much more! Classroom teaching always had ample time for questions and answers. 


Of course, ‘hands-on’ training was the most fun! Like kids of all ages, we like to be active and display what we learn! We spent time on the training room mats working our way through scenarios common to officers who have to make split second decisions when interacting with a person and the real threats involved. It’s not like TV, folks! We used laser guns to test our ‘shoot/don’t shoot’ reactions to scenarios based on real life events. I learned quite a bit about myself and how quickly I do or don’t react in shooting someone. We learned techniques in using the baton on someone threatening us, and physical  tactical maneuvers using only our body parts. I will have to admit, my favorite sessions were on the gun range, firing an M-16, and the taser session. I was tased with three different methods. (I love being in the library and saying “I was tased three times” as someone walks by. I wonder what they think as they give me a surprised look). A note to others: this is all volunteer and each person decides whether s/he wants to physically participate in an activity.   Truthfully, the most frightening part of this was being fingerprinted. I felt as if I were giving up a part of myself.  I got over the tasing, but not the fingerprinting.


The title of this piece is important to me. Throughout our sessions we were building relationships. We also were receiving and sharing some insight and getting to know the human side of people who sometimes appear as never smiling, iron-clad robots. I’ll never forget my feelings during the RNC as I walked the downtown streets and many times faced what appeared to be four or five Darth Vadars who appeared ready to lunge at me given the slightest threat. It’ll probably happen again in my lifetime. However, at our last class session was an officer who shared why he chose this profession. Like so many, though certainly, not all, he wears the blue because he wanted to make a positive difference in people’s lives. I am glad to say that I have met many, many St Paul police who make a positive difference and only two or three who have made a negative impression. This officer encouraged us to remember we are all human; have good days and bad days. We don’t know what’s happened in another’s life just before our paths cross, but we can keep a positive perspective if we, ‘look beyond the Blue’ and see the person.


Don Luna, I hope your phone doesn’t stop ringing with requests to participate in CPA! Call Don at 651-266-5583 to register for a Citizen Police Academy training.


 (By Sage Holben: originally written for Dayton's Bluff District Forum neighborhood newspaper, April 2012)

View From My Porch - March Issue of Dayton's Bluff Forum

Ramsey County Judges Meet with Dayton's Bluff Community Residents

(From Dayton's Bluff District Forum neighborhood newspaper)

“When a young mother bundles up her baby to come out to a meeting on a cold and dark winter evening, I know that she has something important to say.” – Judge Lezlie Ott Marek

“We know we’re your only route to justice.” So noted St. Paul City Attorney Kim Bingham when Dayton’s Bluff Community Council hosted an unprecedented event at its monthly community meeting on February 2. Ramsey County District Court Judges Robyn Millenacker and Lezlie Marek, St. Paul East Side FORCE Commander Jill McRae, and Attorney Bingham met with 16 residents of Dayton’s Bluff to talk about residents’ experiences as crime victims in their own neighborhoods. One panel member indicated that such a meeting was unusual and indicated that too often, those who make decisions really do
not know the community in which the people most affected live. It was a listening session of respect and support.

Several residents cited break-ins of cars and homes; another of shots fired through a window. One talked movingly of being home during a break-in and feeling powerless in working through the process afterward. Breakins being much more common than being attacked, I wonder if we accept it as TOO common. After I was attacked and beaten, I was able to fairly quickly work through the report, identification, and attend court proceedings. Assistant City Attorney Anthony Tedesco and the SPPD proved extremely
supportive and responsive in providing resource information, connecting me with reconciliation services,
and keeping me updated in court appearances of ‘my’ attacker. 

As Judge Millenacker stated, “The partnership between and among law enforcement, the courts and the community is vital to forging solutions…your voices were heard and will continue to be at the forefront of my mind, and those of my fellow judges, when we are determining the consequences for those engaging in criminal behavior.”

I consider myself more fortunate a victim than someone who is a victim of a home or car break-in. An attack is close up and personal – direct. The attack on me was a rash decision and not against my ‘secure space.’ I later was able to personally meet with at least one assailant and ask questions, getting an understanding of the person who committed the crime. For the other two, for a short while, whenever I
walked into Phoenix or Rainbow, or passed the bus stop, I wondered if the Black woman and man in front of me were the same who had beaten me. I felt safe, though; safe because I had a community’s support. I felt safe to face my fears and let them go; safe to walk past the attacker’s home.

I believe having answers and knowing that the police and court process were working together gave me this sense of safety. An unsolved vehicle or home break-in doesn’t offer this same sense of closure or safety. Through her directness in our dialogue, Commander McRae conveyed her understanding of our concerns. I personally believe that our voices were heard at this meeting and our experiences seen as those that affect lives, not simply numbers for statistics. It seems appropriate to close with a comment from Judge Marek: “Please know that we listened closely to your stories about how crime in your neighborhood is eroding the sense of safety and peace that every citizen has the right to expect where they live and work and raise their families. The stories made a strong impression on all of us and they will help us to better perform our jobs.”

sh 2/2012

Mr. Cellophane

Some days I am invisible to others....is it age? being short? fat? my personality? that the other person doesn't know my accomplishments?  I don't want to ever treat others as invisible.